Let’s speak English…. Let’s talk English. I do not know which one of them is correct. I have always respected the languages of the world but none of them has made an impact on me like English did. I just can’t get enough of the language.
The British invasion would have made us slaves but we seem to be getting back at them by adopting their language and giving it the desi flavor!! India, a diversified land, has absorbed English like a sponge in water. The result- English is nobody’s language but everyone knows it. When I say ‘everyone’, I mean ‘everyone’!!
After a broad analysis, I have managed to categorize a few sets of English speaking Indians. This classification is purely based on my experience with ‘English speaking’ people.
The 1st Set – Shakespeare
The very first set comprises of people who are still trying to get a hold on the language. Fortunately, they are the ones who have learnt enough to barely converse and scrape through English examinations. Unfortunately, they are also the ones who would make Shakespeare want to shoot himself in the head if he heard them speak.
One such specimen was heard saying – “Please tell to him that I had said him everything”. Another poor fellow was caught while babbling – “Both the three wented together”!!
Specimens of the first set are phonetically in trouble too. The poor ones keep staring at words like ‘pneumonia’ and ‘mnemonic’, thinking there’s something funny with these words. Truth be told, these words ARE funny.
The 2nd Set- Antidisestablishmentarianism
The second set is slightly better than the first one. The specimens hardly converse because they have gathered enough knowledge to realize one simple truth- They do not possess good skills in communication when it comes to English. The set does not speak unless spoken to. They manage to deliver simple sentences but have trouble in understanding long sentences with profound words. Say something like – “Catastrophic events in the recent past from around the globe have flabbergasted the entire human species as the encompassing of the human mind is encircled to a circumscribed territory”. This will have them squeezing their brains and pondering over the complicated words.
The 3rd Set – No comments
This would be the most boring set; boring because they are the specimens with a fair understanding of the language. This category consists of people who are constantly trying to improve. They capitalize their strengths and have an ethical sense of uplifting the first two sets.
The 4th Set- Yo!!
I have always wondered where these specimens learn English from. They seem to know much more than English. The mandatory vocabulary of the ‘Yo’ category contain the following- ‘Dude’, ‘chill’, ‘babe, ‘burger’, ‘f@#k’, ‘crap’, ‘holy shit’, and a lot more words that a normal thesaurus does not contain.
According a good friend of mine, ‘dude’ is a by-product of the American junk littered in the Indian dustbin. Yes, I wholly agree. When I hear the word ‘babe’, I get a fleeting image of a talking pig!!!
I reckon they should be releasing a special edition thesaurus so as to bridge the communication gap between the normal Homo sapiens and the ‘dudes’!!
The British invasion would have made us slaves but we seem to be getting back at them by adopting their language and giving it the desi flavor!! India, a diversified land, has absorbed English like a sponge in water. The result- English is nobody’s language but everyone knows it. When I say ‘everyone’, I mean ‘everyone’!!
After a broad analysis, I have managed to categorize a few sets of English speaking Indians. This classification is purely based on my experience with ‘English speaking’ people.
The 1st Set – Shakespeare
The very first set comprises of people who are still trying to get a hold on the language. Fortunately, they are the ones who have learnt enough to barely converse and scrape through English examinations. Unfortunately, they are also the ones who would make Shakespeare want to shoot himself in the head if he heard them speak.
One such specimen was heard saying – “Please tell to him that I had said him everything”. Another poor fellow was caught while babbling – “Both the three wented together”!!
Specimens of the first set are phonetically in trouble too. The poor ones keep staring at words like ‘pneumonia’ and ‘mnemonic’, thinking there’s something funny with these words. Truth be told, these words ARE funny.
The 2nd Set- Antidisestablishmentarianism
The second set is slightly better than the first one. The specimens hardly converse because they have gathered enough knowledge to realize one simple truth- They do not possess good skills in communication when it comes to English. The set does not speak unless spoken to. They manage to deliver simple sentences but have trouble in understanding long sentences with profound words. Say something like – “Catastrophic events in the recent past from around the globe have flabbergasted the entire human species as the encompassing of the human mind is encircled to a circumscribed territory”. This will have them squeezing their brains and pondering over the complicated words.
The 3rd Set – No comments
This would be the most boring set; boring because they are the specimens with a fair understanding of the language. This category consists of people who are constantly trying to improve. They capitalize their strengths and have an ethical sense of uplifting the first two sets.
The 4th Set- Yo!!
I have always wondered where these specimens learn English from. They seem to know much more than English. The mandatory vocabulary of the ‘Yo’ category contain the following- ‘Dude’, ‘chill’, ‘babe, ‘burger’, ‘f@#k’, ‘crap’, ‘holy shit’, and a lot more words that a normal thesaurus does not contain.
According a good friend of mine, ‘dude’ is a by-product of the American junk littered in the Indian dustbin. Yes, I wholly agree. When I hear the word ‘babe’, I get a fleeting image of a talking pig!!!
I reckon they should be releasing a special edition thesaurus so as to bridge the communication gap between the normal Homo sapiens and the ‘dudes’!!
The 5th Set - Mrdr of Vwls
Since the advent of sms(short messaging service) and the chat windows, we have started saving a lot of time. But no one told warned us about the ‘End of Vowels’.
“Cme 2 hse 2mrw cs I hv xam 2dy”!!! I cannot help but feel pity for the vowels, for they are the cursed ones. I am beginning to imagine vowels as outlaws who have been banished from the “Kingdom of E-Land”.
I do have an interesting anecdote to share. A friend of mine had the privilege of having an anonymous chat with a female from Australia. The chat had just begun when the Aussie had popped the message- ‘ASL’. Of course, it meant Age, Sex and Location. It was quite unfavorable that my friend wasn’t aware of this particular lingo. Unfortunately, the perverted mind can work notoriously at times. It led him to think it was a bad word with lesser number of vowels (work that out for yourself). Needless to say, a verbal war ensued between the two and the chat window was promptly closed. So much for technology and faster means of communication….
It’s time for the moment of truth. For the first decade and a half of my life, I belonged to the first two categories. I have somehow managed to elevate myself to the third category. I have no intention of belonging to the fourth category and I am getting accustomed to the last one.
Having typed so much, I do not know how to conclude. So, here it is….. Mind your Language!!!
