After watchin a lot of crappy masala flicks, i've come to a conclusion- 'Anyone can make a masala movie'. Why cant i be 'anyone'? hence, i've decided to make a movie. a pure masala entertainer. a promising edge of the seat movie and 2.5 hrs of insanity !!
lets not waste anytime. the movie will be titled 'Slumdog Hero'
lets start.....
SLUMDOG HERO
the opening scene- a market(a crowded one) with lots of old ragged furniture and painted pots(they have a special purpose). suddenly, we hear an uproar. its the local gundas. Now, these gundas all look lik they have been dipped in a coal mine. all wear gold chains and all of them are so tall that they find it difficult to get oxygen at such an altitude !! For no purpose, they start beating and thrashing up everyone in sight. there's utter chaos in the market. but this is not where the hero is likely to enter. come on, we need a heroic entry ! one of these gundas is about to harass a lady. just before he can lay his hands on her, a brick comes flying(slow motion) and hits him so hard tat he is thrown back for atleast 6 metres !!! Its our hero, Sujay(name slightly changed !) who comes flyin lik the brick did. WHAM, BAM, BIFF, BANG, BOOM... and the next thing u see is the flying gundas in every possible direction. they land on the furniture and pots(special purpose solved !). the people in the market thank him and...... I don kno, lets have a song....
'I AM KING'
I am king, i am king(chorus: u r king, u r king)
my blood and bike are red, those who dey me are dead,
i am an orphan wit a bun, but i am everybody's son,
hey, brother-in-law(translated frm tamil), i am ur friend,
i am king, i am king(chorus: u r king, u r king)
a look at hero's life. Sujay is a slumdog and was brought up by the slum dwellers(and therefore he is obliged to be their guardian in times of distress) he's a mechanic and is always dressed up in cargos and tee shirts(adidas, nike, reebok brands oly!!)
enter the herione- Nisha(name slightly changed!). rich, pampered, spoilt, wears skimpy clothes. has been goin to college ever since she was born cos everyone in college knows her !! she's known as the 'Oomph Queen'. nisha enters college and..... i don kno, lets have a song...
'Oomph Oomph'
I am the oomph queen (chorus: oomph oomph)
i am so marvellous(chorus: oomph oomph)
i wear skimpy clothes(chorus:oomph oomph)
i don need costume designer(chorus: yes yes)
this song will get stuck at the censor board(chorus: absolutely absolutely)
and will create much controversy and hype(chorus: very true very true)
and tats' how i'll become more famous(chorus: oomph oomph)
oomph oomph oomph oomph.....
mind u, this college is a dream destination for vagabonds and lazy people. no classes, no teachers, no syllabus, no exams. students sing, dance, eat, booze, do drugs... in short, they do everythin but study !!
one fine day, nisha's car tyre goes flat. and she's forced to take a bus. guess who else is on the bus?? righto, its our hero(where's his red bike??) their eyes meet and its love at first sight for Sujay(Background Music- slight humming followed by violins and guitars!) Sujay tries to woo nisha but she ignores him. and suddenly, a group of gundas try to harass the heroine(getttin predictable, isn't it??) Enter flyin sujay and wat follows is an action-packed sequence. WHAM BAM BIFF BANG BOOM... flyin gundas in every possible direction. nisha gets impressed and starts reciprocatin his feelings. and...... I don kno.. lets have a song.......!
this song will be the major feature. all foreign locales lik Swiss alps, new zealand, ireland, even antartica !!
'Roses are Red'
roses are red
violets are blue
i'm half colour blind
and so are youuuuuuuuuu.....
after fallin in love with the hero, the heroine has understood the true meaning of indian culture. she starts respecting sarees and churidars all of a sudden. no more skimpy clothes. for the rest of the movie, she's gonna wear oly sarees. and this is where the front-benchers are likely to leave the cinema hall !!
enter the baddie- Mr. Tiegrrr!! the perfect villain. rich, short-tempered, has choppers and bodyguards wit AK-47s. kills his own bodyguards for fun!! Tiegrrr falls in love wit nisha but she is already in love wit Sujay. infuriated, Tiegrrr starts shootin his own bodyguards(man, one set of dumb bodyguards they gotta be!!)
sujay and nisha have plans of elopin soon. (wat bout the heroine's parents? well ,i decided not to have too many characters as it would ruin the pace of the movie!!) but Tiegrrr plays spoilsport; his henchmen kidnap nisha and try to finish off the hero. but our hero is 'the' hero. WHAM BAM BIFF BANG BOOM... flyin hengmen in every possible direction !! Sujay comes to kno tat nisha has been forcefully taken to Paris(Tiegrrr's hideout)
not wastin much time, our hero flies to Paris too(visa? passport?? immigration??? who cares???) Now, our hero is supposed to be a slumdweller, but he seems to the kno the topography of paris and even the language.
Sujay spots Tiegrrr in a discotheque and.... I don kno, lets have a song...
'I will do it'
i will do it, i will do it
on me, bullets don affect,
in fact, they very much deflect (poetic license)
i am ur worst nightmare
lookin at me, ur eyes will sore(tat's for the audience)
(Tiegrrr has spotted Sujay and hsa made a call to all his bodyguards. all of them arrive within no time. but none of them attepmt to harm our hero. why?? cos the song is still on.... !!)
i am a lion waitin to pounce,
i am havin lots of frowns,
someday, i'll have the crowns
i will do it, i will do it
end of song. what follows is a gunfight but of course, bullets lose their sense of direction wen they happen to be at close range wit the hero. and mind you, all the bullets goin towards the hero will be in slow motion !!
the next scene is a car chase. hot pursuit between the hero and the villain. Tiegrrr leads him to his hideout(a warehouse!) and disappears.
Twist
Nisha is tied up to a post wit a time bomb attached to her hip! but tat's not a problem for the hero. he defuses it soon(but oly at the last ten seconds before explosion. its gotta be a nail biting scene, u see!!) as they are about to leave, Tiegrrr stops them wit a gun.
'you cant escape my bullets'
'your bullets are no match for my love for nisha' !!
'you are goin to die anyway'
'you have betrayed our country'
'country? wat did i do?'
'never mind. i am supposed to speak patriotic lines so tat the audience will lik me more'
'wat do u think u are gonna do?'
'speak punch dialogues before punchin u!'
'huh, wat?'
'i am faster than the bullet, sharper than the trigger. a friend's friend and an enemy's nightmare!!!'
and just before Tiegrrr can pull the trigger, Sujay comes flyin and punches him. WHAM BAM BIFF BANG BOOM... Tiegrrr is defeated.
but the trouble is not over yet. the cops are lookin for Sujay. (we'll have another car chase here). sujay drives his car to the airport and breaks into the airplane. he goes into the cockpit and threatens the pilot.
'hands up, pilot. do as i say'
'wat do u want me to do?'
'first, get this plane to india. second, get me a cup of coffee'
'this is air india. we are goin to india anyway. and we don serve coffee in the cockpit'
'darn it !! never mind, just leave. '
and they fly back to india. sujay and nisha live happily ever after !!!
THE END
I am hopin tat this movie will get a few oscars and golden globes !!! the audience is sure to lik this movie. this movie has a strong message for today's youth- 'Anyone can make a movie' !!!!!!!
